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No More!

  • Writer: Jutta Duncan
    Jutta Duncan
  • Mar 8, 2021
  • 4 min read

This path is one of constantly being willing to make mistakes. To blow things so bad that you can't believe you could blow them so badly. And then to come back, start another moment, without guilt, and with all the strength you can muster, to stand back up on your own two perfect feet, and try again.


Of course you couldn't know then what you didn't know. But now you do know and now you can move forward with renewed vision and higher perspective.


I'm historically someone who has had an incredibly hard time coming back up after falling into a pit of mistakes. I tell myself, I should have known better. But I'm doing things differently now. No more guilt-tripping myself and wallowing in self-flagellation. No! I'm saying "Fuck that!" And I'm moving on. And no; no "excuse my French" either!


Life has a plan for me and I'm determined to discover it! On my discovery, I also want to know my big lessons. The major big lessons that seem to recur over and over until they're finally learned fully and let go. I'm encouraging you all to become aware of your own big lessons. For me, people-pleasing is a huge one. This life has been pretty easy for me overall and it seems there wasn't much for me to learn this time around. But people-pleasing is one of my big lessons. It's come to bite me over and over, and every time it happens, I seem to be completely oblivious to what's happening. I get blind-sided by this sneaky pattern of giving myself up in favor over another, losing myself in support of another, forgetting myself and what it's like to feel what I'm feeling. It's sneaky, because it comes in altruistic language. It feels like I'm helping and being supportive. But what's operating isn't actually helpful. Underneath the behavior in those moments is a sense of total and utter unworthiness and littleness. And I've never seen it so clearly as now.


And just to clarify, it's not even anything dramatic. It's tiny compromises that end up affecting my state of mind in huge ways.


So, for myself, I'm now declaring, "No more!"


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I'm reminded of the elevator scene in the move Revolver. Jake is in the most uncomfortable place he can imagine; a tight, tiny space: an elevator. Jake doesn't like tight spaces. They scare him. But he's been told to go where "he" wants him least to go. The "he" in this case is the ego; the scared smartass of the mind that plagues us all with his "knowledge." So, Jake is in the elevator, and of course it gets stuck between floors 12 and 14. You know, just so he gets all the time he needs to face the enemy in the mind. ;) Gotta love the Spirit's orchestration!


Eyes closed, he's listening to the thoughts that the ego is throwing at him with increasing vigor. "Too tight, Jake! Gotta get out! You're going to die in a tiny space, Jake!" Jake takes some deep breaths and finally says, "I can hear you... I can hear you" And guess what, the ego freaks out! I mean, it goes insane! And it even goes so far as to tell Jake the it is him.


"The greatest con that he ever pulled was making you believe that he is you." – Avi, Revolver

But that little "I can hear you" is most times all it takes, and feels like my "no more." We're done now with this story, thank you very much.


I'm done now with this story. I've gone through so much people-pleasing in my life and I've listened, asleep, to the ego's story of why I need to please others. For safety, for acceptance, for love, to fit in, to feel normal, to not rock the boat. Whatever the reason, I've gotten a real good look at this recently, and even if the pattern comes back around, which it might, I know now, I've seen now, I've heard. I can hear you, ego, and you have nowhere to go now with this one. You're not me and you don't know me.


So, this post is mostly for myself, but I also want to say, don't give up on yourself even if and especially when things seem dark and feel like you'll never "get it." You do get it, you just don't know yet that you're worthy of much more than you're currently accepting for yourself. This life, your life, it's meant to be awesome! Like, really, really awesome! Nothing normal about it. You're on a path of awakening and it's the farthest from normal you can get in this world, because this world wants you asleep and you're here doing the complete opposite of what it wants. And it's freaking amazing! Keep going! Get back up when you fall down and don't look back in guilt. Look back briefly to see what happened and keep on going forward. That's what you deserve. Rise high and shine like the bright star that you are. Blow this world up with your light!


Now for my current movements.... I can't see the future, but I am certain that it's going to be big! Something big is coming for me and I can feel it. Music, art, writing, readings, counseling... I'm sure these things will all be part of it. And you're all part of it and I feel so grateful for that! I didn't plan on making this a call for support, but I'm feeling to include my PayPal link in case anyone feels so inspired to share their love with me. I can't wait to see what's next for me and to share it with you and the world.


No more littleness, no more hiding in fear. The time is now and I'm all about it!


And although I've already shared this on Facebook, I just need to include this song again here because it gives me so much inspiration and strength.




My favorite lines from it are these:


Feels like I'm waking from the dead

And everyone's been waiting on me


I never thought that what would take me out

Was hiding down below


Lost the battle, win the war

Bringing my sinking ship back to the shore

Starting over, we'll head back in

There's a time and a place to die but this ain't it


If there's a future, we want it NOW


Love, Jutta


 
 
 

2 Comments


Robin Singler
Robin Singler
May 24, 2021

I am so with you, No More guilt!

Like

James Dougherty
James Dougherty
Mar 09, 2021

Celebratory Declaration! Blast it baby!!!

Like

© 2024 Jutta Duncan

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