About Stories... Part III

During my marriage, something happened. I was looking for something... meaning, perhaps. I didn't quite know. I looked for it first in buddhism, then the Tao, then new age spirituality—channelings and the Sedona Magazine. I started going to a spiritual book store called "New Visions" and went to some of the events that were held there. I got tarot readings, and reiki, and got a reading for my cats—because I couldn't figure out why they were the way they were! 😂I got into meditation and was interested in chakras and energy work. And crop circles! What a fantastic time. This was a time were I met some new people that were looking for that thing I was looking for, but I still didn't know what that thing was. And I connected with nature more and had a lovely encounter with a praying mantis right outside the book store. I was just eye gazing with it, thinking how magical and beautiful it was, and I almost felt like there was something very intelligent in that little insect, like it was a person or a being from somewhere else. It ended up jumping on my head! I was in heaven! Somewhere during this time, I also started getting really interested in aliens and conspiracies. I would come home from work and go on YouTube and try to find the darkest, creepiest conspiracies. Area 51, government coverups, depopulation conspiracies, cloning, MK Ultra... just dark stuff! So, I would teeter between the light new age channelings that told me of a bright future in which the ascended masters and beings from other worlds would help save humanity from destruction, and the dark conspiracy theories that usually end in the destruction of everything beautiful. It was exhausting. I got so burnt out with both, because the channelings continued saying the same thing over and over: "There will be happiness and freedom in the future!" And the conspiracies said the opposite. It was torture. Nothing that I was able to see was ever changing or going to change. Hollow promises of a better or worse future that I had no control over; I was just supposed to wait for something or someone to come and save us all or for everything to end in destruction. But luckily, the story doesn't end here. One day at the New Visions book store, a friend introduced me to A Course in Miracles. I didn't know what it was but I was open to checking it out. He also told me about David Hoffmesiter, an A Course in Miracles teacher. I tried to read the Course but it just didn't make any sense. I didn't understand the language. What is atonement? What is forgiveness? What is sin? None of it clicked until I read Gary Renard's book The Disappearance of the Universe. I didn't really care if Arten or Pursah were real and whether they really visited Gary. That was just drama and distraction to me. But they explained forgiveness practically and it all started to make sense. I started reading the text of the Course and tried to do the lessons. It was slow going. I never made it through the Workbook—and truth be told, I never, even to this day, went through the entire Workbook! I've always had issues with discipline and finishing things. You should see how many amazing drawings I've started and never finished. My husband was a bit different; he got so into yoga and the Course Workbook, it was amazing! But me... I don't know, it still didn't stick. I ended up going to a holistic expo and besides all the crystal stands, tarot readers, reiki practitioners, and massage therapists, one man caught my attention. A small Chinese man with a massage table; his name was Tao. But what he was doing wasn't massage. The sign said "Meridian Dance." I didn't know what it was so I just watched, because what he was doing was so mysterious and intriguing, I couldn't not watch. It was drawing me in. A person would come and lay on the table and Tao would start to touch them somewhere—on a meridian point, I later figured out—and the person's body would have all kinds of reactions. The body would start to move, the person would make a sound, or laugh. During the session, Tao would end up entwined with the person, touching different meridians and both bodies would end in a dance. It was so magical and beautiful. Sometimes people would yell out or cry or cough, some would writhe almost to the point of falling off the table. Some of it didn't look "good"—it looked painful. But I could tell something was happening inside that one could not see. I ended up getting a session from Tao and it was just wonderful. I laughed, I yelled, I laughed a lot more and some more—he was pushing a lot of tickly spots and twisted me up like a pretzel. I ended up spending the whole weekend at his table. And he started using me during his sessions with other people. I had no idea what was happening or where I was supposed to place my hands or how to move, but Tao guided me and also let me experiment with my own intuition. The next year, I went back to the same expo and again spent the weekend with Tao. Again, I knew no more than I had the year before, but something pulled me to stay there and just witness and be used. I felt so in the flow and free. I started to get a little clearer on what it was I was looking for; perhaps it was love, perhaps it was feeling alive, perhaps it was fitting in somewhere! At the end of that weekend, I remember driving home with my husband and someone else. I was in the passenger seat. And we drove past my workplace, a small family-owned restaurant. I burst into tears and sobbed. My experience was that I knew I couldn't go back to that work. I just couldn't. It wasn't bad work, but I was finished there. It was such a powerful moment. I handed my two-week's notice in that following Monday. I had no next job planned. But the first step needed to be taken and completed: Quit this job! Then, very easily and quietly, the next job came in: I was to be a baby sitter. Something gentle. A family contacted me after seeing my profile on a babysitting website. I met the mom and her two boys where they lived; a small farm with cows and chickens and lots of open land for roaming around. It was a warm summer day and we had an instant connection. It turned out that the father of the boys was German and they loved the idea that I could speak only German with the kids so that they could be around the language more. The mom didn't speak German and the father had a busy work schedule as a large animal veterinary doctor. This was a wonderful time; spending time with the kids, being silly and light-hearted, being firm when needed, but overall just being a loving presence. I was also doing the Course lessons during that time, albeit, still with great difficulty, but the Course never left my life from the time it entered. I knew it was my path; there wasn't ever going to be anything else that could take its place. I knew what it talked about was the truth, but it would still be a while before it made more practical sense. During my time babysitting for this family, my husband and I went through a separation. There was heartbreak and hardship. I moved out and the family I was working for ended up taking me in; they offered it a couple of days after I shared with them what was happening. How amazing is that?! I am still in awe and gratitude for this. During this time I drew a lot and took part in a small art exhibition with friends. And I also ended up going to and graduating from massage therapy school. This was the first time in my life I ended up in debt—before then, I always told myself that I would never have debt. But even so, it felt like it needed to happen; I trusted that I was supposed to become a massage therapist. I wanted to be in a field of work where I could give more love and maybe talk about the Course here and there. After graduating, I found a job at a chiropractor where I worked as an assistant and massage therapist. It was a wonderfully busy time. I was still trying to do the Workbook lessons... and it was still so difficult! By this point, I also had my own apartment for the first time and you may have guessed: I still couldn't clean up after myself. My apartment and my life were an absolute mess.

It was like things were changing, I seemed to be making progress, and yet, something still didn't work. I still didn't know how to live life. It was so dark. And I was running. Running to the next party, running to the next meal at a restaurant, running to the next drink at a bar, running to the next concert, running from one relationship to another. Running... just as long as I didn't have to be with myself because that's when I would fall into this dark well that I couldn't get myself out of. There were good things too, like that art exhibition, or when I auditioned for the York Symphony Chorus and got in and practiced and performed Beethoven's 9th Symphony with them. That was the first time I fully heard that piece of music and it touched me so deeply. The words, how there are almost 50 minutes of orchestral music before the choir even comes in, and how when the choir does come in, it just knocks your socks off! It's an ode to God's Love and Joy! How amazing that for the one season I was in this choir, that is the piece we perform!! My Course practice became stronger during this time and I was listening to David Hoffmeister's talks on Spreaker anytime I was taking walks. But overall my experience was still one of many ups and downs and ups and downs. But now, I think, I really started seeing what it was I was looking for: It was peace of mind! Peace of mind!! Now, it's the middle of 2013, and I felt strongly to apply to join David Hoffmeister's spiritual community. I filled out the application despite the fact that it clearly told me only to fill it out if I had taken part in a previous event with David, which I had not. I just could not not fill it out and I'm so glad that I followed this feeling! Let's see what happens in Part IV! Thank you for being here with me. Love, Jutta