About Stories... Part IV

So, I filled out the application to join David Hoffmeister's community. I heard back shortly after and had a call with someone from the community. He told me he read my application three times because he found it so beautiful. I was really touched. When I was filling it out, answering the questions, I felt so in the flow and I was blessed by my own answers. Looking back, it was as if I heard my own call for the first time. My call to live a life with Spirit and in service to Spirit. I was accepted and joined the community house in Hawaii. I was there for five months and, oh boy, what a time that was. I arrived and of course I had some idea about what it was going to be like—and moreover, what it should be like. I remember sitting at the expression sessions and hearing people pour their hearts out, and the facilitator gave no response. I thought, "This isn't right! No one is getting any help!" The house overseer at that time took me on a walk and I shared my thoughts and she just held the space for me and then explained more context around the expression sessions. It was a space to share without judgment and without an outcome in mind; a space in which the Spirit would provide an answer in the quiet... in the space. Ok, I could understand that. Let me rephrase that: I was still lost and still had judgments about the whole process. I certainly didn't feel safe to share what I was feeling—and after all, they were just judgments. No one needed to hear them; I could deal with them on my own. Just how I'd done my whole life! That worked out so well before! 😉 We were getting ready to set up for a retreat that was planned for New Year's. Everyone was given a role for this retreat; food preparations, getting the rooms ready, setting up the music for the sessions, providing drinks for the teachers, and recording the sessions. Everyone was given a role... except me. I was sitting on the couch and awaiting my name to be spoken, to be given a task. And it wasn't happening. When I asked what my role was—and there was expectation in my question—I got a very firm response: "You haven't really been here yet." I was hit hard and all I could do was cry. I had no response, but I could feel that it was true. I hadn't participated; I hadn't shared during the expression sessions; I hadn't arrived yet fully. I don't remember exactly what happened next but something opened up within me and things shifted. I started to trust.

We ended up having a beautiful retreat. We swam with the dolphins on the north shore of the Big Island. I got so sunburnt I felt physically ill. But I thought I was invincible so of course I didn't need sunscreen! I spent the next week in pain; I couldn't sleep; my whole backside, everything that wasn't covered by my bathing suit was burnt to hell! But I kept on going and felt in support of the retreat. We had a beautiful New Year's meditation in a cave with soft music playing—it was pitch-black, you couldn't see your hands in front of you face. It was quite magical. After the retreat, I got more roles. I started writing for a blog, there was weekly cleaning at our house and another one 15 minutes away. We put our whole selves into these tasks as if there was nothing else! Cleaning our minds as we cleaned the rooms, watching our judgments and resistances, and cleaning through them. We cleared the wilderness to put up a fence. It was hard work but it felt so good! Beautiful collaborations and so healing. I started being put into leadership roles as well. I was happy and surprised and absolutely terrified. What if I did it wrong? The shame and embarrassment from my childhood still lingered deep within my mind. What if it was revealed? Ugh, I didn't want that to happen.

But the Spirit was there with me and he led me through. He even led me when I wanted to avoid the embarrassment. When there was too much fear, He would give me something else to do, some other project to put my mind into. After five months, I moved to the community house in Kamas, Utah, where I spent the better part of the next six years. I got more projects. A lot of them involved working on our websites and all throughout there were more leadership opportunities. I said yes to everything as best as I could. I was given lots of freedom to be in those projects and join with my team member, JP. What a generous and beautiful time. I am so grateful for JP—he gave me nothing but love and acceptance. With the freedom also came arrogance. You know, the ego will use everything to its advantage, and I had to get a firm talk from the house overseer at the time to say "yes." To everything. I felt anger about this, but I could see that she was right. The next little while, I heard a lot of "no" in my mind, but said "yes" instead. My experience shifted drastically. I could see that I could give more love than I ever thought and I wasn't losing anything in the process. I got happier! And so life went on. Most things in the community are very mundane, normal things. Working on websites, looking at all the details of securing our servers, helping out with events, cooking, cleaning, planning days, holding space, driving to the store to buy food, shoveling snow, cleaning cars. And yet, underneath of all of those activities runs something one can't see from the outside: There's a purpose for all of those tasks. All of us came to let the Spirit use us, as we were, to uncover the light that shines within us and expose the things that are sitting on top of the light, keeping it hidden. I was given gifts I could have never imagined. Friendships that will last for the rest of my life. I was given the symbol of commissioned minister and a little bit later that of licensed minister. I got into a relationship and then marriage with a community member named Nicolas. What a gift he was and is! I have nothing but love and gratitude for him and our relationship. And sometimes I wish I could have given more, and I'm sorry that I couldn't.

During my time in the community I learned so much. I learned I had a strength within me that I didn't see before. I learned that I can overcome obstacles, even when they seem big and scary. I learned that I was loved for no reason other than that I was me (and that that is really hard to accept sometimes). I learned that Jesus is with me, period. Always. I learned to trust my brothers. I also learned that I didn't want to (perhaps couldn't sometimes) trust them; I wanted to be angry instead and feel victimized. I learned that the shy, embarrassed, and ashamed little girl still lived within me no matter how many times I tried to go beyond her smallness and do things that felt out of character. And this next part, you might laugh at, I learned to clean my room! I learned how nice it felt to be in a space that was tidy, to pick up that piece of clothing even when I would rather do something else. 😍 I also learned something else towards the end: That I still wanted to hide things and do things in secret. And no one could help me with that because I was so afraid to show the embarrassed little girl. I've done things in my life that I could never explain and maybe I still can't. Like, when I was younger, maybe 10 or 11, and would go to the store and instead of buying what I wanted (I had the money), I would steal in instead. I did that a couple times and then I got caught and the police officer took me to my dad's work place. I was mortified and scared. But my dad, I could see, felt empathy. He didn't reprimand me; he could see that getting caught and picked up by a police officer and taken to his workplace was the only reprimand I needed. Later on, I stole money from my dad's coin collection and stole money from people I loved dearly. I don't know why. Towards the end of my stay in David Hoffmeister's community, it seemed like everything possible was going wrong. I didn't understand what was happening. I'd done so well this whole time. I'd been a leader, I'd been given responsibility, I'd completed my projects with care and love. But the whole time, something else was still running beneath: Please let me be able to wake up without facing my biggest demon. I can do it, there's got to be a way to do this without looking at this one thing! There has to be a way!! It didn't work, was never going to work. But, I think, that deeply ashamed little girl was just too scared to let her new community family down. Maybe it was pride too. I saw pride towards the end, but I didn't know what to do with it. Anytime I looked at it, I just felt worse and more guilty. But I was lovingly helped and held the whole way. Everyone was in deep prayer with me to see what was going to help me during this time. In the end, the saving grace came in the form of one sentence: "I think you are to go on an adventure, to explore things in your mind that you haven't explored before." This might not be the exact quote, but the word that did it for me was "adventure." It felt gentle and soft and exciting. And most of all, it didn't feel like death! 😉The ego gets very paranoid when things get confusing, so death definitely seemed like a probable outcome to all of this. But, alas, of course that is never the Spirit's plan. He always leads us to more life! So, in February of this year, I embarked on this adventure. But even before it began, I was graced with uncountable miracles and so much more love than I could have ever imagined. I was given a month and a half before leaving. I had time together with JP, who had worked with me for the previous six years, and I was so thankful for that time. I was given time to just be and finish up some projects, and to hand over all the projects that I had to Nicolas (of course!), and to get ready for my next phase. So much gratitude! I felt guided through that whole time. I was also told to make a GoFundMe campaign to ask for funds for my adventure. I wrote a little intro for why I needed the funds and set the goal to $1000 (it suggested $2000 as a goal, but surely I couldn't ask for that much). I shared it on Facebook and this next part I can still hardly believe. There was such a huge outpouring of support, from people I knew and people I didn't know at all, and my goal was met within two hours. And then it was surpassed and reached over $2000 within another couple of hours! I was with Nicolas when it happened. And thank God for him, because he told me something very important (again, I'm paraphrasing): "You know what I think? I think the Spirit had to make it this big because He wants you to know that you are so loved." It was beautiful. And this lesson, that I'm loved, would be a big part of my next phase. More on that in the next part. Thank you for reading! 💛 Love, Jutta