About Stories... Part V

I've been praying about what should be next in this story. There are more things I can talk about, experiences that happened during my time in community, but I actually think they will come in by just going forward along the timeline as I have been. In February of this year, I embarked on my adventure. It was going to be my 33rd birthday on March 3 and for some years I'd felt that there was something special about that age. It's the age Jesus finished his story here. I wondered what significance it would have for me. I didn't know. And the year isn't over yet, so not everything has been revealed yet, but so far, this year has been a blessing. My first stop after leaving the community came in so naturally. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but it felt like I was to go west. To the ocean! One day while I was preparing to leave and in prayer about my next phase, I received a message from a dear friend. She'd gotten an offer to stay in a house in Ashland, Oregon, to pet sit a cat and some chickens for three weeks. When I first saw the message, I missed part of it, and all I saw was "retreat." As in, would you like to do a three-week retreat? I thought, "I can't do a retreat!" I thought what it was referring to was doing an event. I certainly wasn't going to do that! I came back later and realized what I'd missed; it was an offer for a personal retreat, to go into the quiet and solitude. And I felt an immediate huge "YES!" Before going, I remember sharing the thought that I wasn't sure I could live by myself again. The last time I did that was so awful. Lots of darkness and lots of running and lots of not cleaning my apartment. 😉And not knowing how to live. But I went to Oregon and I had a beautiful stay. I just relaxed and decompressed. I gave myself space. I bought food I wanted and even some wine. I watched movies, I listened to music and sang, I took walks, I drew, I cooked food, I soaked in the hot tub—yes, there was a hot tub! And everything I did was because I wanted and felt to do it. No pressure to get anything done. No pressure to do the right thing. No pressure to read the Course or even be spiritual (whatever that even means). And I got to know myself a bit more during the process. I realized I had a strong spiritual foundation; I realized I liked being happy; I realized that the Spirit wanted to use my personality as it is; I realized I wanted to loaf like Larry, the main character in the book and movie The Razor's Edge. I didn't know what it was supposed to look like and I had thoughts come in about money and what job I should have that would allow me to loaf. These thoughts felt good at the time; it felt almost like the world was my oyster. With the Spirit, I could do whatever I was inspired by. There was just one problem: I have no ambition. Even out of the thousands of jobs there are in this world, I didn't aspire to have any of them. So, I just let that thought sit in my mind and continued on with just being in the flow. I went back into the feeling of having no pressure to do anything and I felt that work was not going to be part of this next immediate phase. I relaxed again and just enjoyed my quiet time in my "cabin in the woods." With the cat and the chickens and the hot tub and the food and the movies and the music. I had a wonderful time meeting with some friends who live in Ashland. What bright shining lights they are. And I was even visited by my dear friend Kristen. We had a blast! And after my time in Ashland, I spent some time with her farther north in Corvallis, Oregon. And again, we just had a beautiful time. We spent my 33rd birthday together, what a gift!!! And it was a time of more relaxation, just sharing together in relaxation. Watching movies in the middle of the day and eating ice cream. And we went to the beach and saw the waterfall from the movie The Shack! It was wonderful! And the thought of loafing came back and again the question of what work I should have. Quite frustrating, that question!

After that came a very different short stay in San Francisco. It was magical!! Even the sidewalks glittered; literally! ✨The Spirit took me on walks; the first evening, He took me, slowly, to a "secret" staircase. As I took the steps down, right and left were flowers and just beautiful plants and houses. Little gardens and statues. The walk ended up taking me to a spot with huge trees, all decorated with twinkly lights. I was in heaven!

Then, the world changed a bit. The virus happened and I tried my darndest to work the Course but I couldn't help but be affected by the virus thoughts. It was the only thing anyone was talking about and everyone was getting paranoid. Somewhere in my mind, I still felt that the Spirit was taking care of me and He ended up sending me to stay with some A Course in Miracles friends not far from San Francisco. And again, I was given more time to rest and shine my light here and there. I am very grateful for my time there. And the loafing thought and work thought crept in again. This was me trying to figure out the future. It wasn't comfortable or joyful, but I thought that certainly I would need to get a job at some point. The Spirit worked with this thought and friends were sharing about a train job they'd had in Alaska. So, I followed that. There was no other obvious next step. I applied and got the job and made my way to Alaska. And then, the virus intensified, as we all know, and the whole world stopped. So here I was, in Alaska, again with no job in sight; everything was canceled. Okay, "so it's more resting then," I thought. So, that's what I did. More movies and even some games, and more music and more drawing. And I continued talking with my friend Kristen and my other dear friend, Sarah; just sharing what was happening. We're all on the same path and all in a completely unknown situation. I was enjoying my downtime and one day, as I was about to draw a bit, Kristen was texting me. She was sharing her joy for her life. She's literally doing the loafing that I wanted to do! With a passion! And my mind just sank. What the hell am I supposed to do? What is my passion?! I still had no ambition for anything specific in the world. Nothing. ... And then... I forgot about Spirit. And I forgot about my calling. I forgot the love in my heart for Jesus. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I was devastated. I couldn't relax anymore. The belief: I'm a failure. But of course, the Spirit didn't forget about me and didn't stop giving me prompts and guiding me to something that was going to help me. I had been talking to the friend I'm staying in Alaska with about a psychic who'd given him several readings over the years. And my friend Kristen too had gotten one. Both of them were amazed by what they were told. I was desperate. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do with my life??? I just needed to know. And it seemed like this psychic could help. And me, being the funny little person I am, a good Course student, had to watch my thoughts around this. "Why should I need a psychic? Ugh, I should just be able to do this on my own, with the Spirit. I should be able to figure this out!" I got over myself. What did I have to lose? Nothing. I was already miserable and it couldn't really get any worse than it was. So, I set up an appointment and reading the introduction to the psychic reading, it was really clear that this guy was legit. The introduction didn't mention Course terms per se, but the whole underlying principle was exactly what the Course teaches. I was taken aback a bit, in a good way. I just needed to get some answers. There was something in my mind that I needed help seeing. It's been there my whole life. That demon I mentioned in the previous post. I needed to know what it was. I needed something specific. And I got it. Thank God, I got it!

More on that in the next part. Thanks for sticking with me! 💛 Love, Jutta