About Stories... Part VI

To be honest, I don't quite know how to write about this next part. The psychic reading was very personal and significant to me and I think I'm afraid that writing about it won't get this significance across. I'll just take a deep breath and step back. Spirit, write this for me. I told you before that I needed some answers. I really only needed one answer: What is my life for? So, that's the question, the only question I asked the psychic. Come to think of it, I've never really had many questions. I think in an earlier part of the story, I shared about my feeling of being very oblivious. This is how it's always been for me. My life has kind of just lived itself, without a lot of input from me—even if it seems different as I'm telling the story. I can connect a lot of dots in hindsight, see intentions and reasons, but in the moment, nothing is obvious to me! Ever. So, while I was getting this reading, I got two three opportunities to ask more questions and I just didn't have any. I don't mind; I don't feel like I missed out. In fact, the reading couldn't have been more powerful or perfect. So, as soon as he said his first words, I was kind of hit in the face with this super matter-of-fact, don't-beat-around-the-bush kind of energy. There was no hesitation in his speaking. And the words... they felt like they came from my own mind. Like this man was giving words to my own thoughts; things I already knew, somewhere in my mind, to be true, and perhaps some things I didn't know yet—of course, I didn't know! That's why I wanted this reading. Struck by the high energy of the reading, I just sat and tried to let the words sink in as best as I could in the moment. I knew that he was recording it and I would receive the recording later on, but I didn't want that to keep me from being present now. About one sentence into the reading I started crying. I think it was relief; perhaps it felt like something I knew but was too afraid to acknowledge or vocalize was being reflected back at me... like, "Yes, you're right." The first thing the psychic said was that the answer to my question was coming in before the reading even began and that it was kind of a paradox feeling. It was as if there was a blank in my mind, and yet, somehow, it was also not blank at all. He said, "You have an intuitive feeling of your purpose, from your heart, but your head says, 'no.' You do know what you are supposed to be doing here, but you are in conflict with yourself. What you’re doing here is what you want to do. The whole you, the spiritual you, that’s what you’re doing here. Part of you would deny that; this part thinks you have to be a regular person, you’re nothing special, and you have to be like everyone else." Maybe this sounds generic to you, but to me, this was helpful. In the next 45 minutes, he went on to tell me about how I am naturally intuitive, psychic, in touch with the Spirit, an open channel with the Spirit, naturally loving; how there is nothing that I want besides God; how I don’t want to be in control and just want to witness; how I want to be able to raise to the challenge of accepting what’s going on at any given time without losing my composure, staying in a space where the world does not touch me; how I am among the ministers of God. This was truly important. I so needed a reminder of my own calling! I completely forgot about it for a short while. But he was right: I love God and I want to do what He wants for me and live a life that is in the flow with His Will, in which I can shine the light of truth. Like Jesus did. All of this was great and all, but why couldn't I experience this on a consistent basis? Well, he thoroughly covered this without me asking it. Bear with me; this isn't all Course language, and not everything is true in the truest sense, but I needed to hear every single bit of it. It was a missing piece to my story and I needed this missing piece—not because it made the story complete, but because it gave me a story to bring to the Spirit for healing. I needed to have this specific piece. The psychic told me that I came here awake. And then the world crept in and by the time I was three years old, I'd been taught that in order to make it in this world, I needed to fit in; I just needed to follow the normal path of life like everyone else and do what everyone else was doing. I was nothing special and I had no special function. He told me that my dad taught me this. When I first heard this, there was a visceral, "No, that's not true." But when I sat with it later, it settled in. Yeah, this makes sense; my dad was actually a rebellious person when he was younger (maybe he still is)—he liked rock music and was really more of the Woodstock vibe (not so easy to live that kind of life in East Germany where he grew up)—but in the end, he had a pretty normal life. He went to college and graduated, he got a job, he married and had children. But he told me one time that, if he could have, he would have done all the things I did (I assumed he meant, doing things in a way that isn't quite normal). So, in the end, he thought that he needed to be normal so that he would have safety. And subsequently, he taught me this too—perhaps even just energetically, by demonstration. For my own best interest, so that I would have a good and easy life, he taught me that I should be normal. But of course, I never felt normal; I don't think I ever quite saw the world like everyone else or thought about things in the same way as everyone else—maybe this is everyone's experience? I'd love to know! So, that "programming" was a clash with what I intuitively felt inspired by in my heart and yet it also worked along perfectly with other running beliefs that I had brought with me from past lifetimes. The psychic told me that I brought guilt and unworthiness from past lifetimes into this one. He said that I felt responsible for, "practically the destruction of civilization." Ok, boom! Thank you. Yes, this is what I needed. This clicked so much in my mind and memories rushed in (will explain in another part). He said I felt responsible for World War II—even though I didn't play a big part in it at all. I didn't want to play a part in it but was forced into it. And so I left that lifetime feeling as much confusion and chaos and guilt as I possibly could. This was the key. And I don't mean to even tell you that I literally remember this lifetime now, but I needed a story. Because I didn't have a story for feeling so... different all my life... like, where did that ashamed little girl come from? There was no origin story. And sure, in the end, the Course asks us to forgive ourselves for the separation, but honestly, that's too lofty for me and it wasn't something that felt approachable in my mind, ever. It was too abstract. So, I needed to have a story. And here it was. I finally had my story. Thank God. Now I had something to work with; something to forgive, because, and the psychic spoke to this, "In this lifetime, you're a pretty decent person. You can't imagine what you're supposed to forgive." I didn't. Looking back, there are many things I've forgiven in my life; I've done stupid shit that I regretted—we all have—and I feel like I've worked through most of that. And yet, there was always something else underneath all of it, still ensuring I wasn't as happy as I could be and love myself as much as I should. It was like I was forever doomed to just get by or something. Very dramatic, I know. 😉 Because of the past life guilt of feeling responsible for the destruction of civilization, I now carried with me unworthiness so deep that I didn't even believe the Course all the way. I was injecting the belief of unworthiness into every teaching in this book. "Yeah, but that's not for me. Yeah, but it's not my time yet. Yeah, but I can't accept that. Yeah, but..." The psychic said, "Jesus is telling you: 'Enough is enough. I have the way out for you. Believe me. Everything I say in this book is true. I wrote this book for you. That’s how much I care about you. So I want you to do what I tell you and I’m telling you to forgive yourself.'" Ugh, more tears. I just pretty much cried through the whole reading. Everything just touched me. I realized again that I wasn't alone and Jesus was really with me. And this was important too; he was right, I was reading the Course only half believing it. It sounded true but surely I wasn't quite at the point where it felt true and I could experience it. I wasn't worthy enough yet. So, how was I to forgive myself and what was I to do, practically? This reading gave me everything—again, without me asking specifically. But of course, Jesus knows us best and knows what we need and answers our prayer whether we can verbalize it or not. The reason I couldn't quite move on with my life, besides the past life and current life programming, was my internal fear of feeling emotional pain. Well, if that didn't hit the nail on the head. I felt so stupid! None of this is like mind-blowing news or insight. I mean, if you've read the previous parts on this series of stories, this is an obvious fact, right? I've been hiding from pain my whole life! I've been wanting to avoid mistakes and stay safe. If only I could not make mistakes, my whole life would be grand! Fear of emotional pain. When he said this, my heart sank. So, I would have to face the pain after all? The demon? I would need to face it after all... Ok, ok. I breathed and kept listening. Everything was going to be alright. Yes, I would have to face the demon. I would have to invite emotional pain. He told me—and I feel to just give you a full quote here because it's such good divine logic (which I LOVE):

"It takes courage, because you are afraid of your emotional pain. You don’t have to be because it’s not going to hurt you. Your fear is what’s hurting you in the form of delay. It’s delaying your entrance into the Kingdom, it’s delaying the peace of God to be concretely in your mind. Make peace with that pain and then a huge part of your mind is at peace and you're that much closer to the peace of God, which is really what you want and what you’re saying you’re trying to get to; that’s what you’re striving for. If only you didn’t have to do anything about your emotional pain, if only you didn’t have to encounter your pain. But your pain is there and your fear of encountering it is causing time to go by without your awakening. If you make peace with your pain, the pain is not pain anymore. It’s only pain when you’re in fear of your pain. Stop being in fear of it. How to do that? You make peace with it! Your next project in your spiritual awakening should be to make peace with your pain. Once you’ve made peace with your pain, you’ll invite the pain in, and you’ll wait... 'Where’s the pain?' There’s no pain, because it was only there when you were in fear of it, but no longer when you made peace with it. So there’s no pain; you’re not going to see it anyway! So, you can not see it by denying it and paradoxically, it’s still there, or you can not see it by accepting it, and then it’s not there. You think that by denying it, it’s not going to be there, and accepting it, it is going to be there. But it’s actually the opposite: by denying it, it is there and by accepting it, it’s not there. That’s how you’re going to wake up! You want to know how you’re going to wake up? That’s how you’re going to wake up! That’s your easy way to wake up; it’s not supposed to be very hard for you! As soon as that’s done, you’re going to see who you are which is: Love walking around on two feet. You are God’s Child walking around on two feet, in the world, a lamp in the darkness. And that’s what you’re supposed to be. You are the light of the world. Forgiveness is your function as the light of the world. Salvation is your function as the light of the world."

I mean, can you make it anymore clear? I don't think so, but sure enough, Jesus is so gracious! And through this psychic, he would give me one more specific helpful task: "If you don't feel like you're doing yet what you want to be doing and you've got a lot of time on your hands, every day for at least an hour, sit down and pray: Not my way, but Your way. Not my way, but Your way. Not my way, but Your way. Not my way, but Your way..." And Jesus is funny too, because, he followed this up by saying, "And if you don’t do it, it’s because your ego wants to do it its way." I giggled, because he knows me so well! So, what was I to do? I really had no more excuses now. He told me everything I needed to know. So, I got to it and started praying as instructed. Let's see what happens next. Boy, I sure didn't think there would be this many parts, but it is what it is. 😉 Thank you for reading! Love, Jutta